Category: The Dream Life

OMG, did I just say that?!!  Did I just say that having a Plan B could be seen as failure?

 

Yes, I did.

 

But how many of us have the courage to say that that’s exactly how we feel when Plan A isn’t working, that we’ve failed?

 

I know it’s what you’re really thinking and feeling deeply and painfully. 

 

Especially if you’re a high achiever, a determined goal setter who maps out the perfect Plan A, a precise road map to where you want to be and what you want to achieve. Whether that’s in your career, your relationships, your sport, or your everyday life.

 

When I first began this journey of starting up my own business only a couple of months ago, one of the questions my coach asked me was “what’s your backup plan, what’s your Plan B?”, “if you’re not earning an income within a certain amount of time what are you going to do?”.

 

Honestly, I didn’t have an answer for that question.  I had surveyed the landscape and mapped out the perfect road map, or so I thought. I believed with every ounce of my being that I wouldn’t need a “Plan B”, I wouldn’t need a backup plan………..this was going to work!  It would just happen, after all, it’s my purpose.  Besides, I’m the kind of girl who stares adversity in the face and says

 

 

 

I realised a couple of weeks ago that “try me” was trying me.

 

It was time for a Plan B.

 

 

 

However, once I’d accepted this realisation I was overwhelmed with immense feelings of failure, shame, disappointment, guilt, selfishness and doubt………but not regret.  I still believed deep in my soul that I was on the right path, this was my purpose.  I knew that now more than ever.  I think this is why the feelings of failure were so strong.  Why isn’t this working if this is my purpose?

 

In the midst of all these overpowering feelings I mapped out my Plan B and Plan B is now in motion.

 

How did I do that?

 

How did I lean into those feelings when, for most people, all they do is cause more pain?

 

How did I know what Plan B should be?

 

How did I resist going back to old, safe habits?

 

 

Well, when you’re in the grips of feelings of failure, shame, disappointment, guilt, selfishness and doubt it can be difficult to see anything else. But the more you resist these feelings and push them away, pretend they’re not there, the more they will persist. You’re allowed to be disappointed, you’re allowed to question yourself.

 

Give yourself permission to acknowledge your feelings, lean into them, allow yourself the time to grieve your Plan A.

 

Then forgive yourself.

 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realise that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” – Steve Maraboli

 

I can’t express how important this phase is.

 

Humans are imperfect, we love imperfectly, we live imperfectly, we think, feel and act imperfectly.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself for whatever part, if any, you played in Plan A not working.

 

There are times though, when we have absolutely no control over why our Plan A isn’t working.  It’s like we laid out this ideal road map to our goal, and then, all of a sudden that map changed.  A tree fell across our path blocking the way or we come to a fork in the road that wasn’t there before.

 

Where do I go now?

 

What do I do?

 

Do I smash the tree down, do I try and climb over it, do I try to walk around it, or do I simply turn back thinking “the tree is too big anyway”?

 

For some of us, that tree can seem like a 100 year old fat baobab tree, a ginormous insurmountable thing that we can’t see a way around, over or through so we turn around and start walking back the way we came asking ourselves who did we think we were believing that we could make our way through this map?  Thoughts and feelings of self-doubt and our lack of self-belief takes over and we go right back to our old ways, our old lives.

 

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will”

 

To be completely honest, when I realised that I needed a Plan B, I did entertain the idea of going back to my old job.  Because that would be easy, familiar, safe. But every time I envisaged myself back there it just felt………..wrong.  Like when you’re a kid and you do something wrong and you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that kind of wrong.

 

So I reconnected with the vision of myself at the end of the path, at the end of my map.  What would she do if she were faced with this insurmountable tree? Then, together, she and I started to map out my Plan B.  A plan connected to my purpose, my truth.

 

Once you’ve grieved your Plan A, forgiven yourself and you’re facing the tree across your path, take a big step back and reconnect with your purpose, your truth.

 

Get centred, come back to the moment, the now.  Reconnect with the version of yourself you envisaged at your destination.  Then listen closely and intently to your gut, your intuition, that’s where the magic happens.  It will lead you to your Plan B.

 

“Always trust your instincts, they are messages from your soul”

 

If your Plan B is connected to your purpose, your truth, you will be able to move forward without feelings of failure, guilt or shame.  Plan B can become your second chance if you let it.

 

A perspective or reality……………………..what if both is happening at the same time?

 

Did you know that we all view the world through our own set of rose coloured glasses?

 

Our day to day reality gets filtered into our brain through these glasses.

 

Everything we see, feel, think or act upon is based on what we have seen through these glasses………everything.

 

I just want you to think about this for a moment.

 

 

 

 

Just as there are factual events, things people say and do, things that happen to us throughout each day.  Our own perspective on what these things mean to us, how they affect us, how we choose to think, feel and act as a result of these events are all filtered through our own rose coloured glasses.

Your rose coloured glasses are determined by your own personal set of beliefs, values, morals, the meaning of right and wrong to you. These beliefs, values, morals, our ideas of right and wrong are developed within each of us from a very young age in a very unique way.

For example, two children could be raised in exactly the same way, under the exact same circumstances, with the exact same intentions from their loved ones but will grow up to view the world with completely different sets of glasses on.  Because what means one thing to one sibling could mean a completely different thing to another.  All the while frustrating and baffling the hell out of their loved ones as, according to them, they were given the exact same upbringing.

 

 

The same goes for each of us, related or not.  We all have our own unique set of beliefs, values, morals and a meaning of right and wrong that we have developed for ourselves throughout our life.  We could all witness the same event, all experience the same thing in our lives but our view of that event or experience will be completely our own.

To the individual, though, that is their reality.  The way they’ve experienced it is how it happened.  They believe it so deeply that there can be no other reality, no other way of looking at it.  Our brains are so programmed to believe this filtered perspective as reality that we cannot truly appreciate any other perspective.  We refuse it, we resist it, we may even fight against it.  We might say that “I can appreciate where you’re coming from but…….” all the while keeping our rose coloured glasses on, refusing to accept that we’re even wearing them.

“What’s that, rose coloured glasses? No, I’m not wearing rose coloured glasses, that’s just how it is”.

 

 

Growing up, one of the things my Mom would always insist was that we finished our jobs/chores before we were allowed to play, watch TV, play sport, go to our friends’ houses, etc. Now, this would have meant different things to each of us.  I’m one of 3 siblings, I have an older sister and a younger brother, yep that’s right, I’m the middle child…….the special one 😉

 

For me, as I became an adult I developed my own set of beliefs, values, morals and ideas about what was right and wrong.  This included an incredible drive to finish things at any cost, to complete my “to do” list each and every day at any cost, to be the hardest worker in the room at any cost, to be the last one to leave work.  I could not relax or allow myself any “me” time until this “to do” list was finished.  I also did not feel deserving of praise, recognition or relaxation if I had not been able to complete this imaginary “to do” list.

 

This belief came as a direct result of how I had filtered in Mom’s rule about our jobs/chores, the meaning I had placed on what that rule represented.

 

Now, this belief has its pro’s and con’s.  The pro’s being that I have always worked desperately hard to become the best I can possibly be at whatever I have put my mind too. I have been very successful and recognised by all of my employers as an extremely hard worker, passionate about achieving and exceeding the results that were expected of me, always willing and prepared to “go the extra mile” without having to be asked. In my sport, whatever challenges I have faced I have been determined to find a way to be strengthened by them, never satisfied to be just “okay” at it or to just “show up” to training, if I’m on the floor I’m giving it everything I’ve got. If I’m injured and “on the bench” then I’m still showing up staying motivated and inspired by those around me.

 

The con’s, however, have had a huge impact on my personal life, my life away from work and sport.  You see, I’ve learned that because of this rose coloured view of my world, I had come to derive my own personal worth, my deserving of love, my deserving of a happy life down to completing my “to do” list each and every day.  If I hadn’t got everything done at work that day, if I hadn’t given it everything in the dojo/gym/tournament, if I hadn’t got all my jobs/chores done at home that day then I wasn’t deserving of, well frankly, anything.  This belief had come to create a huge amount of anxiety and stress.  I could not relax at home or on holidays until my jobs/chores were done (this would include any leftover tasks from work that day)………..seriously, I mean I could not sit still on the couch, I didn’t want to be hugged, held or watch a movie. It would make me feel physically ill, like I was doing something terribly wrong, I did not have the ability to “leave it until after”.  Through my rose coloured glasses I believed that I didn’t deserve to relax or enjoy my life until this “to do list” was complete each day.  It was exhausting and debilitating.

 

When I began life coaching, this was one of the beliefs that we cracked wide open.  It was one of my biggest “light bulb” moments.  I had come to derive my value as a human being, my deserving of love down to the completion of an imaginary “to do” list each day.

 

You see to me, this was my reality. I believed this to my core.  I would look for evidence of this in every aspect of my life; work, sport, personal life through my rose coloured glasses. If I didn’t complete my “to do” list and something went wrong I would instantly blame the fact that I hadn’t done something from that list. Through my glasses, this would be my reinforcement, my evidence that “see I need to complete my list each day”.

 

 

Understanding your own shade of rose coloured glasses, finding out why you choose to wear the pair you do each day is the key.  Knowledge is power.  Understanding why will make it so much easier to take them off every now and then when you’re struggling.  Understanding why will help explain why you think, feel and act the way you do.  Understanding why will help to explain why you react to the world in the way you do.  Get curious people; is that really true, did they really mean it that way, did that really happen because of this, etc.?

 

Wearing those glasses is a choice my friends and the sooner you accept this the freer you will become. We choose to view the world in this way, this choice is made because of how we experienced life in those first 7 years.  But just as easily as you put on your rose coloured glasses you can also choose to take them off.

 

If your rose coloured glasses are causing you to feel exhausted, stressed, bringing unnecessary anxiety, holding you back from living your extraordinary life then it’s time to lift those glasses and see the world for what it truly is, a choice. If you want to feel more in control of your life, choose to take off your rose coloured glasses every now and then and see the world through your own extraordinary eyes.

 

For most people, living with mental illness is the biggest fight of their life and one that becomes a life long discipline.

 

I use the word discipline in the first sentence because, for me, it is through discipline that I can live an extraordinary life with Bipolar 2.

 

In the end though, those disciplines have to become your way of life if you are to win this fight.

 

When I first started noticing severe symptoms my life had spiraled into complete disconnection from who I was.  I barely recongnised myself in the mirror, who was this empty, lonely person living her life for everyone else but herself?  How had I gotten so lost?  But this was just my state of mind, my surroundings and how I was living had also gotten out of control.  I had been very sick with undiagnosed leaking gut syndrome, a gluten sensitivity and lactose sensitivity, my sleeping habits were deteriorating daily, I was working extremely long hours and, having only recently discovered that I have a highly sensitive nervous system, this would also have been a major contributing factor considering the way I was living my life.

 

My first visit to Albert Road Clinic (an amazing psychiatric hospital in Melbourne) came after my first suicide attempt.  Up until this point, I had been the master of magician’s, hiding my true thoughts and feelings from the world. Wearing a mask of normalcy whenever I was in someone’s company.  But, as those of you who live with mental illness know, that mask eventually cracks to reveal the black depths to which you have fallen.

 

Over the next 5 years I was subjected to a multitude of medications and treatment ending in 2 and a half years of ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy). However, the greatest benefit came from the education and support I received from the medical staff at the clinic.

 

While living there your days are filled with beautiful clean food, lots of education sessions, daily exercise and therapy sessions and a strict environment for your body to naturally get on the sleep train at night time.

They provided me with the cornerstones of living an extraordinary life with mental illness.

 

1. Clean, healthy eating habits
2. Daily exercise
3. How to set the right environment for healthy sleep
4. Understanding why we think, act and feel the way we do
5. The importance of personal development
6. Surrounding yourself with positive people, your crew should inspire and motivate you

Clean, Healthy Eating Habits

There is a lot to be said for how poor nutrition can be the instigator of mental illness.  Yes, that’s right, I said the instigator.  If you’re wanting to learn more about this I would encourage you to delve into a book I recently finished called “A Mind of Your Own” by Dr. Kelly Brogan.  In this groundbreaking, science-based, and holistic approach, Dr Brogan shatters the mythology conventional medicine has built around the causes and treatment of mental illness.

Daily Exercise

We all know the research behind regular exercise and staying happy and healthy.

For those of us who suffer from depressive episodes we have all been told that our brains ability to naturally produce enough serotonin is affected.  Well, guess what one of the by products of exercise is?  Your brain produces serotonin!

“I’ve heard this before” I hear you say. Then why aren’t you doing it?

It’s this little thing called discipline. You see when we’re in the grips of depression we have no energy, no enthusiasm, no motivation to exercise. For a lot of people who suffer from mental illness, sleep and the lack of it is a major factor and therefore we are often too tired to exercise. This is where our little friend discipline comes into play. You see, when that voice in your head is saying “I don’t feel like it” or “I can’t” or “I’m too tired” along comes discipline to smack that voice upside the head.

You need to seriously ask yourself; do you really want to get better, do you really want to feel like “yourself” again, just how badly do you want to climb out of that black hole?  Because, believe me, if you truly want it bad enough you will find a way to exercise daily.

Now it doesn’t have to be some massive gym sesh, I mean of course it can be if that’s how you roll.  It could be a walk with your dog, a leisurely swim at the local pool, a bike ride, anything to get that daily hit of natural happiness, serotonin.

How To Set The Right Environment for Healthy Sleep

This has been a big one for me and, honestly, one that continues to test my discipline muscle.

This is a little different for all of us and I would encourage you to find out what works for you. However, there are some fundamental strategies that I’ve researched along the way that can really contribute to getting on the sleep train;

• No caffeine for up to 8 hours before sleepies
• No electronic devices (i.e. phones, iPad’s, etc.) for 2 hours before bed
• Dim lighting for 2 hours before bed
• 20 minutes of relaxing meditation in the lead up to bed time
• A nice warm shower or bath before bed
• For some of us that really struggle; wearing an eye mask, using a sleep sound machine (or relaxing meditation music)  are a couple of other ways to ensure you’re able to get on that sleep train.

If sleep is a major “trigger” for you I can’t express enough the importance of researching what is going to work for you.

Understanding Why We Think, Act and Feel The Way We Do

Knowledge is power my friends. The better you can understand yourself and your “triggers” the more in control you will feel.  This is where therapy comes into the mix.  A good therapist; be it a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Counselor and/or an experienced Life Coach can help you to unlock the complexities of your “why”.

If you can understand and recognise why you feel, think and act the way you do your eyes will be opened.  Once you accept that you have a choice you can begin to choose differently.

Once you realise and understand that you have complete control over how you choose to feel, think and act you will begin to regain the power in your life.

Read books, ask questions but most importantly, once you’ve gained this knowledge have the discipline to make the changes in your life to support living it happily and healthily.

The Importance of Personal Development

“Therapy is about the past – healing wounds. Coaching is about the future” – Rich Litvin & Steve Chandler.

This is how I feel about and what I’ve personally experienced with Personal Development and Life Coaching.

While it’s important to understand why you think, feel and act the way you do, it’s equally important to learn the tools to equip you with how to change those thoughts, feelings and behaviors that weren’t serving you and replace them with those that do so that you can create positive change in your life.

Surrounding Yourself With Positive People

You are the sum of the people you choose to surround yourself with.

I have seen this both in my life outside of Albert Road Clinic and during my time in the clinic.

In hospital, the patients who surrounded themselves with people who were focused on healing and determined to claw their way out of the black tar, you could see the light in their eyes grow stronger and stronger each day.

Outside of hospital I’ve been fortunate enough to meet and spend time with champions in both the sporting and professional arenas.  One of the common denominators in their extraordinary lives is the awesome crew they surround themselves with.  It really is awe inspiring to see how someone can lift just by being around positive, motivated, energized people.  I can literally feel the energy, it’s so amazing.

 

Really when it comes down to it all, discipline to do what’s needed for you to live a healthy, happy life is the major thread that sews this all together.  These 6 principles won’t help you if you don’t have the discipline to apply them daily because without discipline, you’ll constantly be falling in and out of that black hole.

And if you fall, which I have done many many times, it’s having the discipline to put these principles back in place again and the empathy to forgive yourself.

 

To finish up,  if you are feeling like you’re life is getting out of control and you are slipping down that rabbit hole, YOU MUST REACH OUT!

So many of us are either too ashamed, too scared of what other’s may think of us or how they may judge us to let people know of the battle that’s going on inside our minds.

Love, understanding and support are right there waiting for you.

The world is never “better off” without you in it.

 

Or as I like to call it, perfectionism paralysis.

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now” – Hugh Laurie

This lesson can be a really tough one to learn, especially for us perfectionists.  Regret is the scholar that teaches us this lesson and, I don’t know about you but, I don’t want to live my life in the shadow of regret.

How many times have we stood on the edge of decision and thought “yeah, but………” but this isn’t quite right or that’s not quite ready yet or I’m not feeling as I would like to to begin whatever that decision is you’re standing on the edge of.  Because of that indecision, that hesitation, that lack of self belief we then miss out on creating what could have been an amazing memory, or a valuable lesson, or personal growth, or strength in confidence, or all of the above, the list is endless.

The fear of failure, of imperfection, of the unknown, freezes us.  Freezes us to the point where we end up limiting our potential.  Our own self limiting beliefs of “what if I fail” “what if I look like an idiot” “what if it’s really hard” or “I can’t do that” or my all time favorite “I’m too old for that”.  These stories we tell ourselves, our reality that we’ve created is holding us back from experiencing an extraordinary life.  If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.

 

Luke: I don’t believe it

Yoda: That is why you fail

There is greatness within each of us, we simply have to have the courage to dip our toes in the waters just outside our comfort zone.  You’ll find that the water’s not as hot as you think it is.

The first step, however, is always the most difficult. It takes courage to feel uncomfortable, to face fear and possible failure (or as I like to call failure, a lesson). Courage is the resistance of fear, not the absence of fear.

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.” – Muhammad Ali

I had a student of mine approach me last year and ask about getting involved in a particular tournament circuit, one that was a lot more challenging than the one she was already competing in. I could sense the spark of courage but at the same time I could feel her doubt of self belief. I explained how the circuit worked and talked to her about a road map towards competing in this circuit. As soon as I told her that the next training session for this circuit was in 6 days  and we’d love to see her there, her fear and self doubt completely took over. She was on the edge of that cliff when the habit of self limiting belief took over.

It’s like the dark side of the force.  That voice that speaks in your head telling you you’re not ready for this. That’s fear and self doubt. Once you realise that you actually have control over that voice, you choose your own thoughts, you can begin to choose differently.  But it takes courage to choose differently. As I said earlier, courage is the resistance of fear, not the absence of it.

Focus your thoughts on what pushing through your fear could bring to your life. What was it that brought you to this decision in the first place?  Was it, like my student earlier, an opportunity to really see what you’re capable of, an opportunity to create an unforgettable experience, an opportunity to start a new chapter in your life? Whatever it is for you, focus on what having that would mean to you, how important is that to you? Make that desire, that passion stronger than your fear. Then, as you begin to take those steps on your road map, each time fear comes and taps you on the shoulder put up those middle fingers and tell him you’re doing it anyway.

Each time you stand on that cliff’s edge, that muscle you use to make that decision to just jump keeps getting stronger and stronger.

By the way, that student has actually taken that first step now and had the best training session she’s had in over 12 months, she’s entered the next tournament in that circuit and is on her way to finding out just what she’s capable of.  These decisions we make are not always about the end result, it’s about who we become on the journey there.